azntsubasafreak

why does my life suck so much?!?! -.-

There were very few things in the world that Syaoran could actually call his own, and even that which he did possess earning was the sole means. The only thing that had naturally been a part of him was Sakura and so he cherished her above everything. There had never been a thing to prove to her in their friendship, nothing to challenge or earn because she had always given her affection freely. Him and her had always fit together without question then but there was everything to be earned now…and more…

Intimate, true love from Sakura.

Having her snuggle up into his chest made thoughts of their past and present friendship foggy at times and his throat would dry up, inducing him to swallow hard and almost compulsively with anxiety. To be honest he didn’t even know what to do with his feeling besides conceal them. Sakura had always just been ‘his something’ and to have to deserve something as incredible as her terrified him. How could he earn something like Sakura’s love? To not only re-build such an incomparable friendship of their past, but be deserving of the greatest affection she had to offer? It seemed impossible and so he shied away.

The feel of her warm breath against his throat made him yearn for a way though. To be close like this with her all the time and let his lips touch her without terror alongside the desire was a secret dream. It was truthfully the thing he thought about the most but it just so happened to be the most useless thing he could think on. She couldn’t love him because he didn’t know how and even if they both knew…would she even want to be loved in such a intimate way by him…?

“Your hand…”

He swallowed “H-huh?”

“Syaoran-kun, your hand is shaking”

He glanced at his trembling hand on the reins before tightening his fist.

“You must be cold” she assumed at once “I’ll move closer to you and share my heat with you”

“I-I’m fin--”

Hot breath drifted past her lips and over his shaking knuckles before being rubbed tenderly beside her cheek “How much longer…?” she whispered

“…I--…I…” he looked to Kurogane at his side for help and was happy to hear a steady voice take the task away from him.

“It should still be twenty minutes” Fay pulled up the hood of his cloak and glanced to Kurogane “Unless we race--then it’ll take half the time”

“You’re always cheating” he muttered

“Or maybe you’re a bad loser”

Kurogane’s vein twitched “How can I be the loser when I always win?”

“Challenge?” he suggested to everyone “It’ll get the kids out of the cold faster”

“Syaoran-kun is cold” Sakura said with genuine concern “So we should try to get there as fast as we can!”

Syaoran smiled nervously to the two sets of eyes glancing his way. Fay laughed and picked up his reins after the pause though “Sakura-chan’s vote tips the scale!” he said cheerfully “The path should be straight to town so we won’t have to worry about being split up!”

“He says that like it would be a bad thing…”

“Don’t be so cruel!” Mokona popped out of Kurogane’s hood “You would miss us if we were gone!”

The white creature was tossed to Fay “Look at that. You’re gone” he stated “and I still don’t miss you”

“Grouchy!” Mokona accused

“Let him be because we can be a team instead!” Fay looked back to Sakura “And Sakura-chan…are you sure you have enough energy to hold on? It’ll be a bumpy ride”

“It’ll be fine” she squeezed his fingers “Syaoran-kun has me”

Syaoran lowered his eyes and wished his hands would stop shaking to support her confidence in him. Having Sakura’s body lean deeper against him didn’t help his useless emotions for her and when Fay asked if he was ready he could only smile in a pathetic way since all he heard was his mind repeating ‘deserve her’….

“One for the money--”

Sakura’s arms wrapped around his torso

“Two for the show--”

Syaoran’s arm snaked around her waist and pulled her tightly against him

“Three to get ready--”

They looked to each other at the same time and Sakura parted her lips to say “Syaoran-kun?”

“Forgive me--” he whispered

“And four to go!”

Snow flew everywhere in the trail Fay and Kurogane left after their galloping horses. Laughter rang out in a mix of Mokona and Fay but to Syaoran there was no voices. There was only the incredible warmth that came from Sakura’s lips, the taste of her small gasp, the sound of the tiny whimper, and the knowledge that he was the most repulsive jerk in the world for taking advantage of his best friend.

When their eyes meet she could only hold the look for a second before pressing her forehead into his shoulder “…I’m sorry, Syaoran-kun” she whispered

Syaoran swallowed back his despair and unconsciously nodded firmly to her rejection and that was the end of it.

The rest of the path was laced with silence.

-

-

“What’s wrong with that one?”

Fay glanced to Sakura curled up in a chair in front of the fireplace. Her feet were tucked neatly under her and her head leaned against the arm rest, allowing strands of red and gold to dance with the flames. As the two watched on the Princess sighed heavily and moved her head to the other arm rest.

Fay shrugged before pointing out the window “The same thing that’s wrong with that one?” he suggested

Syaoran was attempting to cut some wood with an axe that was larger than Kurogane. As he lifted it up Mokona hopped up onto the handle causing both Syaoran and the axe to disappear in a puff of snow.

“That was a little sad” Fay grinned and put the last of the dishes away “Maybe Daddy should lend his strength”

“He’s fine” Kurogane insisted, turning his back on the window as Syaoran fell backwards into the snow for the second time “and I’m tired”

“Off to bed?”

Kurogane just walked to the staircase

“Hey!” Fay threw his towel into the sink with a huge smile “Wait!”

Sakura heard the conversation of ‘joining in bed’ as well as the sound Fay’s body made when it tumbled down the stairwell from a shove by Kurogane, but it barely registered in her head. How could anything when her mind was filled with Syaoran. Anytime she thought on him she would feel her heart speed up and her breath turn shallow. The feeling was incredible. She imagined what his kisses would be like sometimes but actually experiencing one was completely different. She couldn’t decide if it was more firm or gentle and so she could only conclude that the kiss tasted like him.

The thought brought a smile to her face and caused her cheeks to puff up into a pretty shade of pink.

“…Syaoran kissed me” The thought seemed unreal. A fantasy.

Nothing she could dream would ever be amazing as the kiss though which was why she was positive it was real….that her feelings behind the gesture were just as genuine.

“Princess….You’re still up”

Sakura raised her eyes to see a snow covered Syaoran looking rather pathetic in his dripping clothes. His sheepish grin fit well enough with the state of his body though. As he walked in to put more wood into the fireplace Sakura hurriedly came to him and wrapped a blanket around his shoulders.

“It’s snowing out again?”

“No I just--…a fall…Thank you” His smile had never looked as good as when she lead him to the chair “Why aren’t you asleep?”

“I was…” Sakura lowered her eyes “…I wanted to wait for you…”

“I’m fine” He ruffled the snow out of his hair with a grin “After I dry off I’m go upstairs too”

“Do you need anything else? A towel? Something to drink?”

“Nothing” he grinned

Sakura nodded and sat down on the armrest at his side as he pulled off his boots. The silence was comforting and for awhile she found complete peace in brushing off snow from his tangled bangs. No matter how calm her smile or actions were though, her heart was beating too fast in anticipation she wasn’t even sure if she should have yet. It took some effort and concentration to keep her breathing normal so she didn’t notice that his own was slightly off when she leaned into his side. He set his eyes on her with such intensity that she wouldn’t dare look anywhere else. They seemed to pull her in and even before she could comprehend herself falling into him her lips were against his mouth.

“PRINCESS!” He pulled back with such a look of shock she froze “W-what are you doing?!”

“I…” she felt her eyes start to water “…I was trying…” Her finger’s started twisting nervously “I still did it wrong…?”

“W-wrong….” he breathed

“I don’t know how” she whispered to his chest “I’m sorry…it still wasn’t right…!”

A heavy silence followed.

“Syaoran-kun…” Sakura looked up to him again “I’ve never kissed anyone before and…”

He sighed “…Neither have I”

“You haven’t?”

His cheeks darkened “N-no…I--…only you”

“…I thought…--and you kiss…your kiss…it was…”

“I-it……it was okay?” he stuttered

“….perfect” she lowered her eyes again

“I thought you didn’t…because…and--and you said--”

“I-I didn’t know how to kiss you back!” she whispered “I…after that…I…”

“You…?”

“……I…”

Her hands rested on his shoulders.

His fingers pushed away her bangs.

She leaned forward, he leaned forward.

Halfway in the action their lips pressed together and his hands came to her waist, making their flushed bodies press together. Now that she knew he had never kissed anyone else she could feel his hesitation but there was something about the slow, assertive, movement of his lips that made her love the kiss even more. His calm passion while he took her lips in his mouth made her shiver, the way his shaking hands pressed her against him made her tremble in his lap. His confidence drew her out and soon she had the corner of his mouth pressed between her lips. To hear his heavy breath made her more eager to kiss him properly and she leaned deeper into him to try his top lip, took his face in her hands so she could angle her face for him, pulled his face forward as he deepened the kiss and when his tongue touched the roof of her mouth she swore she never felt anything so wonderful and actually giggled with pleasure.

He kissed her cheek softly, his arms wrapped around her and she happily snuggled deep into his chest while her legs curled up into his lap. He kissed her forehead and her eye lids before dipping his face into her collarbone “…I love you” he whispered, kissing her longer on the neck “…more than anything…I love you”

Sakura’s eyes widened and all the warmth was turned to ice.

“I don’t know how to…” he breathed with effort

“Syaoran-kun--”

He held her tighter “--but I do”

“I…” Her fingers gripped his arm “I….”

Realization drew his face into a ghastly shade of white but Sakura’s unconscious body had already tumbled into his chest.

Longing. Yearning. Deserving…..it truly was useless because in the end it would always be the relationship or her life.

With a strange smile Syaoran brushed away the bangs from her closed eyes until his smile faded into a dark despair “….Because we can’t have a past….we can never have a future” he stated in monotone. His finger trailed across her bruised lips before kissing her gently “It can only be this” he whispered with another kiss “which is why we can never be anything….” His face buried into her neck as tears steamed down his cheeks “My most precious person”

hmm..i dont think i've posted here in a while xD
psh..a lot on my mind..but heck, wanna read my new rant? go to the forums..hehe
anyway, here's yet another one of my favorite fanfics because i dont know what else to put here that won't sound too depressing


Night time came and placed its sleeping spell over the people of this world.

Sakura was no exception to the harmless enchantment and found herself resting on her bed with strands of hair in her mouth, a gentle expression on her face. Sometimes her mouth would move slightly, as if she was speaking to someone in her dream.

Syaoran found himself next to her, watching the princess like a dog; both affectionately and protectively. He sat next to her in silence for most of the early night.

In the background, music from a radio played all sorts of songs. Songs of love, songs of tragedy, songs of laughter... songs of emotion.

Watching her gentle face, he felt a power rise inside of him and slowly make its way upwards. A new song started and he wetted his lips as the words started to come out.

"When we were little, you used to grab my hand and take me to the palace's tallest tower. I remember I smiled one time and you became very flustered. Do you remember?" Syaoran asked, smiling softly to himself as he remembered those days. "You said, 'I can't believe he smiled!' and you turned around to avoid me seeing you."

Motionlessly, staring at your back

I wonder if I should hold you close

Hesitantly, he lifted his hand to the side of her face but did not touch her. He felt her warmth reach his nervous hand and he pulled back, closing his hand into a fist as if he was afraid to lose something inside it. "Princess..." He whispered breathlessly. "...Sakura." The emotions that led the name to come out confused him. Was he adding to his previous statement or correcting himself? He held his breath as he held back his thoughts and emotions. "I can't love you!" He exhaled, hanging his head low and staring at his lap.

These bold things are just my imagination

(lalalalalala, lalala ooh oh)

Breathless emotions seemed to recoil at outburst and allow the boy to breath deeply to calm himself. "I used to always be behind you." He continued, "That way I would never have to look at your face and become encouraged by your confident gaze." He looked up slightly to make sure she was still deep in sleep. He felt those breathless emotions coming back and he hurried himself to say more before he lost his breath. "But now you give me your hand and trust me to lead you to a place close to the sky."

These large, short-term wings just don't fly

(Only you are my friend)

"So now, whenever I turn around all I see is your gentle strength and I feel..." The emotion returned, robbing him of breath once more.

Soothing words build up but remain unsaid

(lalalalalala, lalala ooh oh)

He waited for the breathless moment to pass. Soon, his thoughts and better judgment would calm him and allow him to breathe again. Syaoran closed his eyes quietly, allowing time to go by at its leisure. He'd just wait a few minutes(or were they seconds?) and everything would be normal again...

How did I get used to this so easily?

(Only you are my friend)

His mind went back to the days in Clow. "Hey," He started, waiting a few seconds before continuing as if he was hoping Sakura would answer. "Remember that time it rained in Clow?" The boy asked. "And you came to our home and asked if I could play? You wanted to play around the puddles because it hadn't rained in so long..."

The temperature of my bath isn't warm enough

My dependency on you is not enough either

Maybe that's just unnecessary kindness to myself

"We played in the rain all day and then you got sick!" He laughed. It was an honest laugh, born from a warm memory but it came out forced and empty. "The King didn't want me to visit you, he said it was my fault you were sick to begin with but Yukito-san changed his mind. And you told me..." Syaoran smiled softly, looking at his rough hands. "I could hold your hand."

I want to feel safe in someplace warm

(lalalalalala, lalala ooh oh)

"When you woke up again, I was still there and you told me to tell you a story." He continued, feeling his heart race and color rise in his face as he remembered that time. "You told me to tell you sleeping beauty but you had me change all the names, remember? So the story became Sleeping Sakura instead!"

Reading my favorite writer's book

(Only you are my friend)

"And at the end of the story... Prince Syaoran-san and Princess Sakura-san lived... happily ever after..." Syaoran finished. The end of his story. He could no longer breathe so he let Sakura breathe softly for him.

Quickly forgetting the words of yesterday

(lalalalalala, lalala ooh oh)

"I'm sorry." He apologized. "I can't love you." He wished he could have smiled confidently as he spoke but he could feel it fall apart into a frown. "It's not that I don't love you!!" Syaoran whispered quickly. "Because I-I do!! But I...can't..." He explained.

Why do I doubt someone I love?

(Only you are my friend)

Shaking his head pathetically, Syaoran watched the princess for a moment in silence. "I wonder why I'm telling you this." He mumbled. "You'll never remember it all..." He added sadly. "But... it makes me feel like... I'm helping you remember things when you can't. I feel like if I keep talking to you like this, someday you'll be just like you used to be..."

Why do I doubt someone I love?

(Only you are my friend)

"And when that day comes, I'll try to say 'welcome back, Sakura.' But I'll probably mess up and not know what I should say out loud." He sighed heavily to himself. Gently, he placed his hand around hers and waited anxiously for her to wake up so he could pull away.

Why do I doubt someone I love?

(Only you are my friend)

Something inside him told him she wouldn't wake up any time soon so he began to pull his hand away on his own accord. Hesitantly, he placed his index finger on her palm and began to shape letters.

What I'm writing I can't say in front of you;

I'm dreaming of heaven

"And some day, I'll use my own strength to tell you that." He promised.